A Month With Google Analytics - OR - Why Humanity is DOOMED

I do not hate people with turbans. I do hate white people with turbans, though. I hate white people real good.

Photo by Steve Evans. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

Heeding to public pressure (i.e. death threats), the Newsvine team allowed us all the extensive ability to analyze the visitors who make the foolhardy mistake of browsing our columns. This move was greeted with a collective "YAY!" by the Newsvine userbase who would have still yelled the same thing had the Newsvine team released a new feature that allowed a person to punch themselves in the face for the sole reason that it was new and it was all sexy and green and such.

A month has gone by, and very little has been said of it -- most people, it seems, are keeping their precious data to themselves because they are A. Very embarrassed by how small the numbers are or B. Too friggin' arrogant to share with anyone. But I'm not like those people; my numbers are huge and I am the most humble human being you have ever met, guaranteed.

Of the oodles of data you will find on Google Analytics, the traffic sources have provided me the most amusement, and caused the most despair for humanity. Though, on another note, it somewhat disturbs me that Google even knows that 54.9% of my visitors are at least somewhat nude while on my column, and a record-breaking 13.1% are completely nude. Google knows all, I suppose.

But as I was saying: traffic sources. Through the use of Javascript, some other funky programming, and a touch of African voodoo, Google can divine just where visitors are coming from, and can even tell what keywords they were using if they found your column on a search engine. Little do these people know that their searches would soon become public knowledge...

In order, from most popular to least, omitting the boring/duplicate/misspelled-by-morons entries, I present to you... The Keywords Idiots Use to Get to Noah's Column!

• "i hate white people" - I'm serious. My most significant mark on the internet is that I hate white people. It'll probably be my mark in history that defines my very essence. And may I ask, while I'm musing on this point, who actually searches for "i hate white people," and what do they hope to find? Articles that will make them feel better about hating white people?

  If you search on Yahoo, my column is the third result. I think I'm supposed to be glad about that.

• "i hate whites" - Yeah, this is number 2. The world is doomed.
• "alliteration maker" - I am the master of alliteration making, apparently.
• "he change be quiet noah youtube" - What the hell was this poor man even looking for?
• "i hate conservatives" - Don't we all?
• "nudity" - So simple, but it says so much.
• "things invented during 2005-2007" - Strange, I don't recall answering that question. I don't even know the answer.
• "where does life begin" - I am now an officially endorsed sex educator.
• "will ferrell's scar" - This is friggin' disturbing. Whoever searched for this needs help.
• "alien zombies" - I'm not the only one who believes in alien zombies, I guess.
• "barrack obama- the antichrist" - Did I say he was?
• "can i transplant my fetus into someone else?" - I don't think my snarky articles are going to help you with that.
• "hot to become popular" - Start with correct spelling and work your way up.
• "how to deflate my ego" - Give up -- I've been trying for years, it's hopeless.
• "i have bad vocabulary" - Have search engines become a public confessional? Do people feel compelled to tell all their problems to Google and kin?
• "is the human getting dumber" - The human who typed that sure is.
• "learn to speek english 8.1" - Try writing English first.
• "what happened in the west" - As this person probably was searching for the history of the American west, I pity them for stumbling upon my factual account of Vinemeet West.
• "will ferrell is an idiot" - Finally: proof that there is still one person out there with a sense of taste.

None of you are allowed to post any of your Google Analytics results because they will probably be far more humorous and thus negate my entire article and make me feel all sad inside and then go to Google and search with the following entry: "nobody on Newsvine likes me and they won't give me a rav. what should I do?"

And then I'll end up right back here.

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