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NOAH BRADLEY
"Wait and hope"
Articles Posted: 152; Links Seeded: 40
Member Since: 11/2005Last Seen: 10/25/2009
Member Since: 11/2005Last Seen: 10/25/2009
55 Comments
PrintA Month With Google Analytics - OR - Why Humanity is DOOMED
News Type: Event — Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:18 PM EDT
I do not hate people with turbans. I do hate white people with turbans, though. I hate white people real good.
Photo by Steve Evans. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)
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Heeding to public pressure (i.e. death threats), the Newsvine team allowed us all the extensive ability to analyze the visitors who make the foolhardy mistake of browsing our columns. This move was greeted with a collective "YAY!" by the Newsvine userbase who would have still yelled the same thing had the Newsvine team released a new feature that allowed a person to punch themselves in the face for the sole reason that it was new and it was all sexy and green and such.
A month has gone by, and very little has been said of it -- most people, it seems, are keeping their precious data to themselves because they are A. Very embarrassed by how small the numbers are or B. Too friggin' arrogant to share with anyone. But I'm not like those people; my numbers are huge and I am the most humble human being you have ever met, guaranteed.
Of the oodles of data you will find on Google Analytics, the traffic sources have provided me the most amusement, and caused the most despair for humanity. Though, on another note, it somewhat disturbs me that Google even knows that 54.9% of my visitors are at least somewhat nude while on my column, and a record-breaking 13.1% are completely nude. Google knows all, I suppose.
But as I was saying: traffic sources. Through the use of Javascript, some other funky programming, and a touch of African voodoo, Google can divine just where visitors are coming from, and can even tell what keywords they were using if they found your column on a search engine. Little do these people know that their searches would soon become public knowledge...
In order, from most popular to least, omitting the boring/duplicate/misspelled-by-morons entries, I present to you... The Keywords Idiots Use to Get to Noah's Column!
"i hate white people" - I'm serious. My most significant mark on the internet is that I hate white people. It'll probably be my mark in history that defines my very essence. And may I ask, while I'm musing on this point, who actually searches for "i hate white people," and what do they hope to find? Articles that will make them feel better about hating white people?
If you search on Yahoo, my column is the third result. I think I'm supposed to be glad about that.
- "i hate whites" - Yeah, this is number 2. The world is doomed.
- "alliteration maker" - I am the master of alliteration making, apparently.
- "he change be quiet noah youtube" - What the hell was this poor man even looking for?
- "i hate conservatives" - Don't we all?
- "nudity" - So simple, but it says so much.
- "things invented during 2005-2007" - Strange, I don't recall answering that question. I don't even know the answer.
- "where does life begin" - I am now an officially endorsed sex educator.
- "will ferrell's scar" - This is friggin' disturbing. Whoever searched for this needs help.
- "alien zombies" - I'm not the only one who believes in alien zombies, I guess.
- "barrack obama- the antichrist" - Did I say he was?
- "can i transplant my fetus into someone else?" - I don't think my snarky articles are going to help you with that.
- "hot to become popular" - Start with correct spelling and work your way up.
- "how to deflate my ego" - Give up -- I've been trying for years, it's hopeless.
- "i have bad vocabulary" - Have search engines become a public confessional? Do people feel compelled to tell all their problems to Google and kin?
- "is the human getting dumber" - The human who typed that sure is.
- "learn to speek english 8.1" - Try writing English first.
- "what happened in the west" - As this person probably was searching for the history of the American west, I pity them for stumbling upon my factual account of Vinemeet West.
- "will ferrell is an idiot" - Finally: proof that there is still one person out there with a sense of taste.
None of you are allowed to post any of your Google Analytics results because they will probably be far more humorous and thus negate my entire article and make me feel all sad inside and then go to Google and search with the following entry: "nobody on Newsvine likes me and they won't give me a rav. what should I do?"
And then I'll end up right back here.
35 Votes- Enjoy this article? Help vote it up the 'Vine.
Published to:
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 | Believe in no fear (David M. Harris Personal Story) | JasWalker | Fri Sep 21 | 0 |
| Dissecting An Interview | Brandon May | Fri Sep 21 | 5 |
| NWWN-horoscopes-week ending 9-30-07 | vicaxp | Mon Sep 24 | 20 |
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What's this?
Who's leading the conversation?
This visualization below allows you to see the impact that each user
has on the current conversation.
The top row contains the group of users who have had the most impact, the 2nd
row the group of users who have had the 2nd most impact (et cetera).
Users with similar impact are grouped together, and the average score of the group
is shown to the left of the group. The author of the article is also shown on the
left, in their corresponding group.
Each user's score is based on the number of comments the user has made plus the
number of votes their comments have received. The scores are calculated relative
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relative difference does indicate a larger difference in impact on the conversation.
35
10
{"commentId":1042942,"authorDomain":"noah"}
I think, in the bowels of Google Headquarters, there is a small group of nerds who, during their off-time, just laugh at what people search for using Google. They should write a book.
{"commentId":1042942,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"noah"}
- 11 votes
#1 - Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:20 PM EDT{"commentId":1043297,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
I believe they're called 'Site Engineering' and I doubt they wait until their off time :)
{"commentId":1043297,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":1046271,"authorDomain":"SVForbes"}
..This move was greeted with a collective "YAY!" by the Newsvine userbase who would have still yelled the same thing had the Newsvine team released a new feature that allowed a person to punch themselves in the face for the sole reason that it was new and it was all sexy and green and such.
You always make me laugh, Noah.
Cute.
{"commentId":1046271,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"SVForbes"}
- 4 votes
{"commentId":1067702,"authorDomain":"larahoward"}
{"commentId":1266831,"authorDomain":"sbutki"}
I'm scared to look at what google searches bring me here. With articles with titles like "stop sending me emails about my genitals" i'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
{"commentId":1266831,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"sbutki"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":1271796,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
Anyone searching for "Birthday lists" will bring Scott up right away also :-)
{"commentId":1271796,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":1043088,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
Well, it appears that the only things that get people to my column via google have to do with Britney Spears, men wearing diapers, and the NFL pension policy.
On my personal blog, however, I get even better stuff.
The top things that lead people to my blog?
Best Nachos Ever
Hey Everybody, I'm Looking at Gay Porn
Backstabbing Sluts
@!$%#ing Sister-in-Law
I Love Cigarettes
That should really tell me something, right?
Oh, yeah. It tells me that people are INSANE.
{"commentId":1043088,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
- 8 votes
#2 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:29 AM EDT{"commentId":1049827,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
I'm going through the later pages of keywords, and have found that someone found my newsvine column by searching for the name of my father's manufacturing company and one of the products he makes.
First of all, how in the HELL did that find my newsvine column, considering that's my maiden name and I don't use it?
Secondly, SCARY.
{"commentId":1049827,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1049836,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
{"commentId":1053531,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
Britney Spears,
Again ? OK I'll comment
{"commentId":1053531,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1043232,"authorDomain":"thevineofhob"}
duck vs cougar
nfl fantasy files
iphone money back
nfl picks of the week
2008 madden cover curse
wii beer pong
yankee stadium proposal prank
{"commentId":1043232,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"thevineofhob"}
- 3 votes
#3 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:36 AM EDT{"commentId":1044426,"authorDomain":"talkingm"}
lol...wii beer pong. i wonder if that was mine. I know I googled that at least once!
{"commentId":1044426,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"talkingm"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1043386,"authorDomain":"kyleb"}
Most of mine have to do with either Apple, Iran, Ron Paul, and that kind of normal stuff, but here are some of my top "WTF" search keywords:
- Penis pizza
- VT shooting pictures
- Car sex
- Lesbians and pcos
- nudty &sex for mans
- White supremacists tatoos
- Why are lesbians
- Women are tattoos are tramps
{"commentId":1043386,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"kyleb"}
- 5 votes
#4 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:59 AM EDT{"commentId":1052817,"authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
Penis pizza, now with extra foreskin.
{"commentId":1052817,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
- 7 votes
{"commentId":1053065,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
That's casing, winsome. Like on the sausage? Jeesh.
{"commentId":1053065,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
- 4 votes
{"commentId":1053459,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
I already had a knot in my stomach today. The involuntary retch those last two comments brought wasn't pleasant!
{"commentId":1053459,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1053823,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
Well, I'd been drinkin' when I wrote it, so this morning it caused me to retch too. I've succeeded in grossing myself out. Sorry ciotog!
{"commentId":1053823,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1043523,"authorDomain":"onlineapps"}
My users are all one minded:
garageband for windows
garageband windows
garage band for windows
virtualbox 1.5
garage band windows
garageband on windows
portable ie6
time wasting games
gnome vs kde 2007
windows garage band
Geez, most of my visitors are looking for an obscure seed written months ago.
{"commentId":1043523,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"onlineapps"}
- 3 votes
#5 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:11 AM EDT{"commentId":1043745,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
Mine never worked. I hate Google Analytics.
{"commentId":1043745,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 4 votes
#6 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:50 AM EDT{"commentId":1044239,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
Lauhal, you may want to have another go at getting Google Analytics to generate the code you need to paste into the Newsvine column tracker page. I have a theory - it's just a theory because I've only setup Analytics on my column today and so more time is needed to see if data is being produced (and anyone is visiting my column). The reasoning is:
- Go to any page under your subdomain (lauhal63.newsvine.com i.e. your column)
- View the source for that page
- Note, down near the bottom of the source that you'll have a snippet:
<!-- Must be just before the "/body" tag -->
<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/urchin.js" type="text/javascript">
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
_uacct = "UA-547736-1";
urchinTracker();
</script>
- This is used by Google Analytics for tracking but it's not your code.
- Go to www.newsvine.com and do a search for 'UA-547736-1', it's there. I'm assuming this is the code that Newsvine use in Analytics.
- After I setup Analytics for my subdomain i.e. column I looked at the source for my pages and I have:
<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/urchin.js" type="text/javascript">
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
_uacct = "UA-161646-3";
urchinTracker();
</script><!-- Must be just before the "/body" tag -->
<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/urchin.js" type="text/javascript">
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
_uacct = "UA-547736-1";
urchinTracker();
</script>
- The first is the code that I pasted during tracker setup and Analytics picked this up i.e. it now says it's receiving data for my subdomain.
- Cross your fingers and hope it works :)
I also hate Analytics but that's because it's not giving me the numbers that indicate my blog is a prime candidate to be bought out for the loyal userbase I've garnered.
{"commentId":1044239,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1044285,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
When you say:
View the source for that page
Where is it?!
{"commentId":1044285,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1045137,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
It requires a number of incantations and specific orientation to get it to appear :) Viewing the source of the page is a function of the browser (In Firefox, it's under the 'View' menu). To be honest, you don't need to go to those lengths to try this out for yourself. I put in all the steps so that my logic was transparent. Following Brian's article should be enough to get it working (skip viewing the source unless you're curious).
{"commentId":1045137,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1045153,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
Well, I redid it again. Perhaps it will work tomorrow. :) thanks!
{"commentId":1045153,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1045170,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
Strangely, the source of your pages still looks the same (no new Google Analytics code as I'd expect). That's pretty odd!
{"commentId":1045170,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1045180,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
Well, it says that it is collecting data. I'm not getting my hopes up. It said that for a month, but all it showed was zeros across the board...even though I've had votes & comments.
{"commentId":1045180,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1045181,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
I wish you could edit comments ... what do you have in the textbox on the tracking page? That is, does it look something like
<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/urchin.js" type="text/javascript">
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
_uacct = "UA-xxxxxx-y";
urchinTracker();
</script>
{"commentId":1045181,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1045186,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
Yes, but my account number is where those xxxxx's are.
{"commentId":1045186,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1045192,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
Then it is bizarre indeed. Possibly a newsvine bug ...
{"commentId":1045192,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1058763,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
I have never gotten Google analytics to make any sense, it come up with the most bizarre things that are almost correct, but not about the real Tedd...
{"commentId":1058763,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":1043816,"authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
takotsubo cardiomyopathy
janine lindemulder
scientific equations
nano bikini
human cyclops
kamasutra sex
effect of semen chemistry on women
orgasmic cephalalgia
eat menstrual blood
I'd say that pretty much sums up my NV column.
{"commentId":1043816,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
- 2 votes
#7 - Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:27 PM EDT{"commentId":1044065,"authorDomain":"noah"}
{"commentId":1045909,"authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
Apparently you know 'orgasmic cephalalgia' so you can get out of any science conference in the world with your dignity intact.
Whenever you see an argument between two pretentious weenies insisting data is most important to 'them' and their science awesomeness is their greatest flaw, simply interject and say, "You know, it's all orgasmic cephalalgia when you get right down to it."
Brings down the house every time.
{"commentId":1045909,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1045702,"authorDomain":"Pasi"}
{"commentId":1046084,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
OMG! IT'S WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{"commentId":1046084,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 6 votes
#9 - Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:37 AM EDT{"commentId":1046261,"authorDomain":"kyleb"}
W00t! Congrats Lauhal!
Is it everything you hoped for? Sugarcane dreams and gumdrop smiles?
{"commentId":1046261,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"kyleb"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1046265,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
Well, it's more like a beer shower with slices of pizza thrown in for good measure! Wooooohooooo!
{"commentId":1046265,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":1048635,"authorDomain":"ciotog"}
Well, it's more like a beer shower with slices of pizza thrown in for good measure!
Forget going to the spa, I want to know where I can sign up for one of these packages.
{"commentId":1048635,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"ciotog"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1048539,"authorDomain":"stacym"}
Man, I must be the number one spot for senator bathroom sex and wife spanking on the web. After weeding through those and "underrated music" ones, here's some odd ones:
tearjerking songs about dogs (The number two "WTF?" entry) stop sexsomnia (How? With heavy doses of speed and caffeine?) wench (awesome) player misogyny virgin (An odd combination, good luck finding that special someone) mike, i cannot help, you. you seem to not what to help youre self. (The number one "WTF?" entry) clorox sexist commercial boys playing in mud (Clorox and muddy boys are totally tools of the patriarchy) amish-girls misandrist (I'd really like to know what the person had in mind searching this out. Damn man-hating Amish girls!)
{"commentId":1048539,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"stacym"}
- 5 votes
#10 - Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:51 AM EDT{"commentId":1058735,"authorDomain":"brendamayer"}
These are so funny.
I'm apparently the top source for Israeli porn.
{"commentId":1058735,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"brendamayer"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1058790,"authorDomain":"noah"}
{"commentId":1049800,"authorDomain":"benno"}
1. brazilian referee playboy
2. manuel fernandes valencia
3. antonio puerta
4. riot just do it
5. champions league qualification
6. brazilian female referee
7. antonio puerta has died
8. brazilian soccer ref
9. e-waste is killing ghanaians slowly
10. female brazilian referee
{"commentId":1049800,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"benno"}
- 1 vote
#12 - Mon Sep 24, 2007 7:23 PM EDT{"commentId":1075476,"authorDomain":"newsguru"}
here's the weird one of the day from my column...
if you owe capital one money will they approve you for another card
brittney's still as popular as ever though... the 4th most popular keyword search on mine since GA installed:
crotch shots
I felt just a little explaining necessary, no brittney infactuation here, "I only did it one time" ... I seeded a related brittney spears article a while back...
similarly related keyword search also ranked 20th, 35th, 46th, 47th, 63rd
as of 9:30a ET today, 3rd, 4th, 6th most searched keyword
{"commentId":1075476,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"newsguru"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":1059162,"authorDomain":"jfxgillis"}
I'm going to follow Noah's explicit instructions and refrain from revealing my Google Analytics results.
This is just to warn people that if I post an article about Joe Biden's Plan for partitioning Iraq as the best reason to vote for him for president, tagging it "Curt Schilling" is not a violation of CoH #6 calling for for accurate tags.
You see, Curt Schilling famously endorsed George W. Bush in 2004, and Bush started the war in Iraq, and Biden's plan is about Iraq. Or something.
{"commentId":1059162,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"jfxgillis"}
- 2 votes
#13 - Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:19 AM EDT{"commentId":1071884,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
I was thinking of trying to make everyones Google Analytics go a bit crazy by posting an article about a brazilian soccer ref & his female brazilian referee sharing a Penis pizza during the champions league qualification of tearjerking songs about dogs stoping sexsomnia attacking manuel fernandes valencia after he watched israel porn video's and said "OMG! IT'S WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
however he was slowed down by a orgasmic cephalalgia when he noticed Britneys ( Backstabbing Slut !)new nano bikini while viewing a "he change be quiet noah youtube" on his portable ie6 multitasking with garageband on windows. In the meanwhile, George W. Bush is a violation of CoH #6 in calling for accurate tags.
Did I miss anyone ?
{"commentId":1071884,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 5 votes
#14 - Wed Oct 3, 2007 6:47 PM EDT{"commentId":1072026,"authorDomain":"noah"}
{"commentId":1072186,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
I'm a little afraid if I did I might be locked up in a dark room for a long long time....
{"commentId":1072186,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1072236,"authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
I really want to read it too, Tedd. The number one search term that sends people to my personal blog is "backstabbing sluts."
Which is scary.
{"commentId":1072236,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"vikibabbles"}
- 3 votes
{"commentId":1072289,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
Lets see I need to include the backstabbing sluts that are ridding in the 1978 Pontiac Bonneville with my @!$%#ing Sister-in-Law who by the way makes the Best Nachos Ever, but all she ever babbles about when I am trying to quit smoking is "I Love Cigarettes". Damn and all I wanted to talk about was Women with tattoos are tramps vs White supremacists tattoos and why men come to my blog looking for Britney diaper updates and something to do with NFL whatever.
Whew...That should start the Chapter out pretty well on the "Chronicles of Viki", moving on to Noah....
{"commentId":1072289,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 5 votes
#15 - Wed Oct 3, 2007 9:46 PM EDT{"commentId":1072362,"authorDomain":"noah"}
{"commentId":1072402,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
inanity
noun inanities1. An inane remark or action, etc.
2. The state of being inane; silliness or senselessness.Etymology: 17c: from Latin inanitas emptiness.
?
{"commentId":1072402,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 2 votes
#16 - Wed Oct 3, 2007 10:41 PM EDT{"commentId":1072407,"authorDomain":"noah"}
{"commentId":1072577,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
I know, just giving you a hard time.
{"commentId":1072577,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
- 2 votes
#17 - Thu Oct 4, 2007 12:39 AM EDT{"commentId":1072984,"authorDomain":"YuriyBilokonsky"}
I still haven't figured out how to use that.
{"commentId":1072984,"threadId":"153275","contentId":"977720","authorDomain":"YuriyBilokonsky"}
- 2 votes
#18 - Thu Oct 4, 2007 9:17 AM EDT{"commentId":1105203,"authorDomain":"TeddRi"}
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