Satire: I hate conservatives

This is obviously a conservative.

Photo by Jackie. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

There are a lot of terrible things in life: asparagus, a baby's scream, and imagining what happens between our own Newsvine love-trio (Ansab, Obleo, and Calvin for the st00pid n00bs). Far and beyond these comparatively petty evils is the uber-super-ultimate-mega baddest thing around: conservatives.

Conservatives are the bane of our society. Without them, we would be lead by their polar-opposite counterparts: liberals. Liberals, as we all know, are the shining example of perfection itself. They never say stupid things, do stupid stuff, or even think anything other than genius-level thoughts. Liberals are always nice and care a ton about the "common man" (I've never met that dude, but dang he's popular). But I digress into compliments... onward to unbridled hatred!

Conservatives are all (meaning all) hypocritical. They say they're fiscally (fancy word alert!) conservative, yet blow all our money on things like free cars and stuff. They say they're moral, yet, as we all know, conservatives are the most immoral people on the face of the Earth. They say they care about the "common man," but constantly don't invite him to Christmas dinner. Scumbags.

Conservatives are stupid. It's a simple case that conservatives are kindergarten drop-outs while liberals are all Yale/Harvard/Other-uppity-school graduates. Conservatives can't form complete sentences. They invent their own words. They're dumber than the dumbest dumb liberal.

Conservatives hate people. They hate gay people a ton. They hate abortion-having people (they like fetuses slightly more). They hate everyone in the middle east (Israel excluded). They hate the world. They even hate our most precious possession: freedom. I'm not even sure what it is, but liberals tell me it's really sweet to have (they're always right, you know). Conservatives are constantly trying to take it away. Oh, and freedom is something you can't share, so don't let conservatives play with your freedom over the weekend. It's like loaning a book to Mr. I-Steal-Books. In summation, conservatives hate a lot of stuff.

Bush is a conservative. We all hate Bush and he's the epitome of the conservative party: stupid (he didn't really go to Yale), hypocritical, and clearly hates people. Go into any article on Newsvine (including articles about kittens) and you can find someone telling the world in highly refined rhetoric why Bush is bad. That's why I won't get into it.

I could go on and spew hatred for days on end, but I figure I'll leave room for you, my loyal liberal readers to spew your own variant of hatred and get voted up faster than an anti-Bush article.

Why do you hate conservatives?

Anyone who believes this is clearly insane. Please, do us a favor and check yourself into an asylum

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