When I woke up on Sunday, I did a most unusual thing. I said to myself, "this is going to be a good week." I was never more correct.
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What seems like only yesterday, but was in fact just over a month ago, a group of reputable Drollhouse members, who have since received the title of the "Drollhouse Twelve", were involved in what, according to certain anonymous sources, was the most catastrophic "prank" ever pull …
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Sometimes, my mind goes in very strange, weird, and distinctly random directions. This is one of those times.
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As some of you may know, I applied to the Rhode Island School of Design last year, was accepted, and ultimately turned down their offer on the grounds that I both didn't quite feel ready, and, for the most part, I had no clue as to how to pay for it.
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It has come to this reporter's attention that a most unsettling disturbance has occurred in the presidential elections. Noah Bradley, hailed for his snarkiness and ability to make up words, is, for God knows what reason, running for president.
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This evening, in some God-forsaken, snow-covered, and largely desolate region of the world, thousands of loyal, freedom-loving patriots trudged through hell and high water with snow shovels in one hand, and a sign stating "I LIKE CHANGE," to vote in New Hampshire's primary, which …
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In a dark alleyway somewhere in Seattle, behind a very green building overgrown with vines, it was recently decided that Newsvine should have its own match-making/dating/sex service, based on wildly popular demand.
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Every year, following a night of drunken revelry, billions of people set off to be better people, skinnier people, and less drunk people only to fail miserably within a week or so, leading them back into that cesspool they call their "lives," which I call "their lousy pathetic ex …
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Every year, for one year running, Newsvine puts aside its humble ways and graciously accepts the title of "Most Pretentiously Opinionated Jerks" by flooding every last page of Newsvine with boring little polls about everything that can be imagined by thousands of heavily intoxica …
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It was a cold morning today. The wind was blowing, the mist was enveloping the cool country-side, and thousands of people were making that horrible drive towards their work. And I was one of them.
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I am a Caucasian, heterosexual, Christian, male that resides somewhere around the upper middle class. By most definitions, I am the epitome of the ruling, corrupt, and hated majority.
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Before your hopes are raised too high, let me assure you that none of the nudity herein is of me. Sorry. I know you're devastated.
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With the somewhat recent influx of helpful articles for new-comers to Newsvine, I thought I should chip in my own wisdom to help the new and old alike by giving fail-proof signs that a user is a Newsvine Idiot.
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I was thinking. About government, politicians, and the place these ever-corrupt and often despicable entities should have in our lives.
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When all is done, when all is right, What, oh what, will the world be like? When war is done, when conflict finished, When strife solved and all forgiven, When all are fed, and none are lost, What, oh what, will we do?
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WASHINGTON, D.C.
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Some people spend their entire lives trying to care for it, nurture it, and ensure that other thoughtless idiots don't kill it.
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We have the freedom of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." We have the freedom of speech. We have the freedom to do, within the law, whatever we truly please. We have the freedom to run for public office.
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Heeding to public pressure (i.e. death threats), the Newsvine team allowed us all the extensive ability to analyze the visitors who make the foolhardy mistake of browsing our columns.
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All that we see, and all that we ever shall see, is light. The scientific synergy of waves and particles which our eyes take in without any effort on our part.
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Americans sure are an odd bunch that've formed some equally odd, and often unfounded, fears.
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It was like any other gathering of complete strangers who met on the internet with the intent of getting horribly drunk together.
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This essay was originally submitted to The Nation's Student Writing Contest a couple months ago. It seems that I didn't win, so I can now publish it here. Major thanks to Viki for editing this for me; sorry I didn't win. ;)
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Tuesday, September 29, 1998
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Last night, in an event that will surely disturb Elvis fan-clubs around the world, a self-proclaimed Elvis-impersonator has been abducted by alien zombies.
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Noah deserves a RAV and if they ever put me in charge he will get one. Noah, you are a delight for one so young. Your folks must be very proud of you. I am proud to even know you. Thanks for being here.
— oldfogey
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Noah, you're really funny, and you're also not afraid to talk about your Christian beliefs--that's just awesome. I love reading your articles, even (especially?) the ones that end up getting deleted.
If I ever do make it to a Vinemeet, I hope you're there.
God bless.
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Hi Noah,
You've been tagged !!
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What can I say, your funny and, great at making illustrations and I never get tired of reading your articles.
I sure hope you get a RAV, you deserve it
— Tim.
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Noah is good. Please don't steal all my readers and leave me alcoholic and bitter.
Sincerely, Ansab
— Ansab
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You are an incredible writer. I wish I still had your energy. I know some think I do but they don't understand that I only write at night when on a green-tea-and-chocolate sugar high.
You are quite mature and witty and smart for your age (even if you
are conservative - yes, that's a joke) and I continue to be impressed by
what you are writing.
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It's amazing to me that you can be so young (I'm old) and have such an acerbic wit.
I like that in a person.
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Every day Noah's comedic blade gets a little sharper. I expect the Newsvine Humor Gods will get a nasty surprise if they don't keep an eye on the Kid who is quickly closing in...
— Walt D
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I was truly impressed with you for a while, but then I read your comment about homosexuality.
All down the drain.
— trotter
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Noah, thanks for your unique insights into Christianity, and your sense of humour. It's a pleasure to share Newsvine with you.
Cheers.
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